This phrase keeps popping out in my thinking at the moment. It is a key part of something I am involved in with my church, but it seems to hit what is going on for me in all sorts of areas. To be honest, my faith has taken a big knock of late - I find a lot of contradictions, currently, between what I believe and what I see, and have recently been very much hurt by some people who are working for God (supposedly? This isn't meant as a criticism, I just genuinely don't know whether they really are or not - I know their intention is to do so). So I'm going through the motions, hoping to find some clarity as time goes on - because right now is not the time to be making significant judgements about what I do or don't believe to be true, given how off-kilter my perception and emotional state is.
And yet that phrase still rings out and touches something that I think is significant. It popped up again yesterday as I was walking along in the warm sun, searching the hedgerows for shiny, jewel-like blackberries. It sounds idyllic. It probably was. I started off kind of enjoying it and it briefly crossed my mind 'I'm happy.', at which moment immediately a million thoughts, worries and reasons why I could not possibly be happy crowded in. This happens basically all the time. It happens the other way round too - 'I'm sad' is met with a hundred reasons why there is nothing wrong with my life, I need to pull myself together, 'I'm angry' comes with a chorus of don't be ridiculous no-one has done anything wrong, I'm overreacting. I guess here is where distinguishing between thoughts and feelings comes in. In that moment, here and now (well, yesterday, actually) I felt happy. There was no need to take away from that, it didn't make me immediately cured or mean or I couldn't face the reality of tomorrow's challenges, I could have just been here, now.
I also get terribly frustrated with people who are pushing me to think positively. Feeling overwhelmed, anxious and very sad a lot of the time is where I am, and no amount of urging me to look forward, telling me I need to be kind to myself, and telling me that I can make it through is actually going to help. I know logically that I can and will - but saying it now is dismissing the depth of what I feel right now, and hearing these kinds of things I end up feeling a bit of a failure for not having already made it through and moved forward. Last night my husband did the right thing for me - in a typically wordless request for help, I squeezed his arm a little tighter as we said goodnight and hugged each other. His response was perfect - 'I'm here. I'm here for you'. That was all, and all I needed. My equally simple response - 'Thank you'. He is here. I am here. We were there together at the moment, accepting it as it was. We are here, now. We are here, now. And now is not forever.
