Yes but...

I go back and forth on whether or not I want (need? deserve?) therapy.  Often I come away feeling terrible.  Often I come away feeling bold and strong.  Occasionally I come away feeling I have learned something about myself, and ready to watch out for an opportunity to change the progression of events.

I have a brilliant therapist, by a real stroke of luck.  The NHS didn't really want to know about me - I'd had their provision of counselling and therapy and was, surprisingly enough, not magically 'fixed' after the requisite twenty sessions.  I was, however, not 'ill enough' for any more treatment, so slip through the gaps I conveniently did, despite all who saw me being in agreement that I needed help!  I could get wound up about it if I tried, but in reality, it just sent me in the direction of a counselling charity to whom I will be forever grateful.

Anyway, enter therapist who successfully convinced me he was worth trusting, offered me the unaccustomed idea that I might be ok, and ever since has assisted or at least listened to my rather laboured thought-processes around whether or not life is worth living!  The thing is, therapy is hard work...  and I am intrinsically lazy.  I am definitely the sort of person who leaves things well alone, until they absolutely have to be dealt with - whether this be the clutter on my dining table or the clutter in my head.  So I frequently come to the conclusion that it is much too hard and I shouldn't bother, because a) I am not worth that level of effort, and b) I am too tired to sift through everything while also working on being better on a behavioural level.

Sometimes, however, on those occasions where something clicks, I know that I am better off for the work that goes on, however reluctant I might have been to do it.  This week is a good example.

My therapist (who shall be hereafter known as P) pointed out to me that my response to any offer of unconditional worth, is 'yes but...'
Now I know that I struggle to accept a compliment with any form of grace.  I know I don't believe anyone that says I am ok, even loved, as I am.  But I hadn't realised that I apply it to situations, turn it into behaviour as well as thought.

Example.  I need to eat lunch (yes, but if I do I will get fat, I will end up bingeing, I can't eat any of the things in the shop opposite...etc)  So I do not eat lunch.  I have only been a little aware of the dialogue, but my avoidance of lunch is a huge 'yes but' to the totally scientific and objective need to fuel my body.  Yes, but I am different.  And as a result I feel useless in that I'm not doing the right thing for my recovery.

A more subtle example.  I love to take myself out for coffee and read a book when I have a free couple of hours.  I started doing it when I was really ill, and needed to escape myself for a while.  I rarely do it now - I often think of doing it. 'Yes, but I should be working, I shouldn't spend money, I might end up eating a biscuit with it, I should do some exercise instead'.  I don't discuss it with myself that way, but I do decide to spend those hours at home instead, usually wasting time or doing a minimal amount of work very slowly and getting cross with myself for doing it in an inadequate manner.  And there we go - I feel useless again, where if I'd actually done something nice for myself by going out, I could have come home feeling relaxed and probably achieved a lot more later on.

Objectively, I can see a pattern whereby I put myself in situations that leave me feeling useless every time.  Challenge for the coming days:  Spot the 'Yes but...' and evade it.

I am going out for coffee.