It came to me yesterday that there's a reason why people talk about being 'filled' with hope. It's because when hopes aren't fulfilled it's as if someone's reached in and scooped out a massive hole inside you. I can feel it, physically, an enormous, yawning chasm.
My husband works away from home, and I hate it beyond description. To be joined and connected emotionally to someone, and yet to have to say goodbye every single fucking Monday overwhelms me with something I can't really define.
Two weeks ago he told me he had an interview with a company based about 5 miles from our home - I dismissed it, jobs have come up locally before that just haven't been right for him, and I assumed this would be another one. Then he told me a bit more, and we let ourselves hope, just a little, that we might be able to finally start living our married life the way most couples do - ie together! - 18 months after we got married.
Suffice to say it hasn't worked out that way. Another hope chucked down the drain, yet again.
Now I have always firmly believed that everything happens for a reason, still do. There will of course be a reason for him not getting this job, I just have a horrible feeling the reason might be me. That I still have to learn to be ok with being on my own, being without him, and when it hasn't got any easier after several years, it makes the future look rather daunting, because I just cannot imagine ever getting used to it. I think I'm coping, then I stop to think a little, and there it is again, that overwhelming...something.
Something that I suspect could be labelled hopelessness, which was the overriding feeling that took over this time last year, when I hit the lowest point I have ever reached. That terrifies me, that a small event can trigger such a deep hole.
This time I've spotted it. This time I am not planning to use any of the destructive coping mechanisms I used before, but God, I'm so afraid of feeling like that again. I am so tired of going round in circles and spirals.
It would be so much easier not to have had any hope in the first place.
Maybe, that space is there, like it is for me and the girl, for you to work on you.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, we can only really do this ourselves, and whilst, we need others around us, if we can stabilise, feed ourselves and take care, perhaps, one day soon, like I hope with the girl, we can and you two can, be, together.
Maybe this space is there for you to keep working on you xxxx
I am sure you are right Rache. It would just be so much easier if I didn't have to do it by myself... I know I need to, but it does make it so hard. I hope you and the girl can be together when you're ready too <3
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