One more step...

Bear with me if this becomes jumbled - insomnia's a new one on me, I've always been able to sleep - but somehow it is five o'clock, and the two hours sleep I have had are, according to my overactive brain, enough!  I suspect my concentration level will disagree....

I went to the ED support group last night which I used to go to regularly.   I sort of cut the ties a little bit as I started to get better, but it felt like the right time to go and say hello.  The facilitators are some of the most dedicated and caring people I have ever met - they supported their daughter through years of a very severe eating disorder, and are now choosing to support people in my area through self-help, sufferers' and carers' support groups, workshops, info leaflets, social events, and perhaps most importantly, helping in a very practical way with getting treatment.  M, the secretary, gave me lists of questions to ask, advice on who to speak to, and even offered to come to assessments with me when I was looking for treatment - it's an amazing support network and they have helped so many people.  As it happens, NHS treatment never materialised for me, but to know I had support in getting through the convoluted and often dead-ended process got me a lot further than I would have been prepared to go alone, and in fact the NHS inability to help me and provide me with treatment was one of the factors that led me to realise that only I was going to change my life and get better.  The group, SEED, continue to support that change.

Anyway, to the point!  It struck me, when D (facilitator) asked me to talk to the group about how I'm doing, how very far I have come.  I spent months answering vaguely that I was struggling, not moving forward, not going anywhere, not getting any help... etc etc etc, and last night I was finally able to articulate where I am:  behaviourally much better, still struggling with thoughts around food, in need of some extra support around me in my immediate life, working through issues in therapy, and learning that I need to let go of some past experiences.  OK, this sounds a bit mixed to me, because as much as people say that Beating the Eating (disorder) is about managing how I behave and not listening to the very difficult thoughts, I actually want more than that, and want not to have to worry about food/weight/control at all a good proportion of the time, but it is very different to where I was this time last year.  I recognise a greater need for support, I recognise and acknowledge doing better with(out) disordered behaviour, I recognise that I have not fully let go of things that are in the past, but that I would like to.

It struck me that I am now freer to think and speak, not because the thoughts about food and self esteem have got quieter - they have got louder if anything  (M pointed out to me last night that this is normal as when you start ignoring someone they start shouting more emphatically for a while!), but because I have chosen to tune into different parts of my voice too, the voice that is realistic and the one that wants to nurture, not destroy me.  Actions help this along - by feeding my body, by looking after myself, it encourages that positive cycle of caring for self ------------------------> desire to care for self.  It's just little steps.  Every time I make a decision for my own benefit, it feeds the positivity - I take time to write about how I feel, I feel freer, less burdened by it.  I go to my husband and ask him to give me a hug, I feel safe, loved.  I finish something off at work, I feel successful, accomplished.

It's not about going from sick to recovered - the future of recovery is determined in the process.  I have sight of the end goal all the time and, crucially, I want to get there, so I am not going to go backwards. Every day is part of the journey to the goal, even if I happen to make just one positive decision that day.  One more little step.